“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”