angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
fly smarter, not harder
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
when u come home smelling like another dog
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.