a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes