Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.