If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim