I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The Assassin.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days