microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.