SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
im all 3
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.