Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.