wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
You Might Also Like
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
this is the greatest thing ever
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.