Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
sin harder.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.