Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
podcasts
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*