Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless