I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.