Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
not for long
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
That earthquake could have been an email.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.