Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Grandmother clock.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
i’m still crying at this
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen