Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim