I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
who did the taste test?
This one’s “Alex”.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]