*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.