Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I can fix him.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.