Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me as a parent
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Safety first
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.