I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.