My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
How dramatic are you?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
You鈥檙e doing a great job looking at your phone
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She鈥檚 still grounded.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i鈥檒l take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it鈥檚 both
angel: you鈥檙e on
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?