Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.