What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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when someone compliments me
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion