When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.