Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.