A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please