Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.