Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
house sitting!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.