Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Help Wanted
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.