Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.