me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.