My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
choose your fighter
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured