[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Don’t snitch tag.
My Sentiments Exactly
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot