god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.