Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I ignore life will it go away?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence