A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.