my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
no such thing as a dumb question
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.