Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.