Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
never ask a starfish for directions
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder