Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
never compromise your values
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?