In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
You Might Also Like
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
This makes total sense…
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.