Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”