Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
They’re really bad with fonts.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex