There is no “we” in chocolate.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park