Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.