Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.