Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Don’t snitch tag.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.