I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
#titanic
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
*jazz hands*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?